Life planning. Ugh. What a hit to my sense of immortality, and recognition of aging. I have recently been on a kick to plan for “our estate,” or whatever it’s all called. Setting up disability changes and determining our life insurance goals and planning out for a big Will revision / living estate.
One thing that is a consequence of all of this is the realization that my life is in a very different chapter. A wonderful chapter, but totally different. Some of my friends are married without kids yet (or ever – a totally great choice, too!), and some are not married. They are all uniquely “free” in the sense that they live life in a different chapter than mine. They are able to head out to eat and explore more restaurants, go on some cool vacations, have time to themselves each day and help out their friends at work when evening coverage is needed. I on the other hand, can’t go to the bathroom alone anymore! It’s an unusual party in there… but it reminds me of all the blessings I have in my life, even though they are quite busy little things.
Life planning, or planning “The Estate” involves both my financial life plan – how much I should have before I retire … when I should retire… what I expect to earn and do in my life – and my inheritance and plan for my daughters. Very frightening. On one hand, it is recognition of being older, of having been through a few life chapters that have closed, and seeing the ones coming. I have many regrets in my life, but I have tried to live each chapter fully. My biggest challenge isn’t that, though, it is closing the chapters that I’m past and moving forward positively. I have to congratulate myself on this – as we’ve had our second girl a year ago now, I can say with honesty that, although I complain about being tired and busy just like all parents, I have moved into the role with a joy as a parent. I’m proud of the fun I have with my girls, I’m proud that I spend most of my free time at home with them, and I’m so happy that I’m a very big part of their lives. And that brings me to my biggest fear: what if I can’t be there for them? What if I were to die and leave them?
I know deep in me that I just couldn’t leave them. I would be there at night tucking them tightly or helping them have happy dreams. Visiting them in their dreams when I can. And I would be there in the mornings, maybe brushing their cheek to wake, or sending them love waves while they get ready so they can feel loved, and maybe – just maybe – I can help them have more positive days and more confidence. I would be there in their loneliest moments, because I would never leave them. My love will never tire of watching them grow and become the girls and women I know they can become.
I have left some words of encouragement and letters to them in a Journal that I write in fairly regularly. Hopefully I’m given time on the earth long enough to fill a few journals of letters to them as they grow. I want them to always know how much I loved them, cared for them and how they are the joy in my life. I also write to my beautiful wife in there, but that story is for another day. I’d highly recommend writing letters to your loved ones in a journal for safekeeping. Over time you’ll have a whole memory of love that you pass to them. Writing letters came easier to me than journaling and I hope feels more personal to read. Take a moment every week or so, and write a half page. You’ll be thankful for the added perspective it gives to your life and relationships and they’ll have a wonderful inheritance of love and caring for any lonely days they experience.